Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
