you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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