Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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