All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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