How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
