I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
