I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize