Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
