my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
