peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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