i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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