i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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