She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
