I wish my penis had an off switch
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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