I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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