The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
