he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize