i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize