i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
