Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
