You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
