I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So much rum. So many feels.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
