god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
