between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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