let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize