if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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