OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
