it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
