I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
