if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
