If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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