made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
