After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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