he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I want a musical about memes.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
