my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
