I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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