the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
