So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
