question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Mom said you looked used
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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