i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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