May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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