yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i think i have herpe
just one?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
