Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
