tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
