Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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