I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
