do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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