I could have mohawked her pubes.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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