CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
