This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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