He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Mom said you looked used
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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