And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
