im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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