I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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