Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
