dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
