I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
