it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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