my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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